Glastonbury 2016

So the box marked “Glastonbury” on my Bucket List has finally got a massive mud-smeared tick inside it. After years of trying for tickets, my wife Emma and I managed to grab a pair for this year’s festivities, so it was all systems go last Wednesday as at long last we made our debut at Worthy Farm for Glastonbury 2016. Was it going to live up to all those years of expectations? Was the sun going to have it’s hat on for us? Would Emma twist my arm enough to drag me to see Coldplay with her? Here’s how it went….

Day One – Wednesday 22nd June 2016

We had a National Express coach booked for 7.30am at Liverpool One, and a six-hour journey down to Somerset meant we were scheduled to be on site for around 2.30pm. When we got to L1 there were already massive queues as we were told two coaches hadn’t turned up during the night meaning they were running an hour or two behind schedule. Shout out to the lovely National Express woman that we got talking to who managed to squeeze us both on the next available coach which left at exactly 8.52am. No queueing for us – it’s nice to be nice isn’t it!

Heavy rain throughout the night had created some problems at the entrance to the site which in turn had caused some massive tailbacks on the roads leading into Pilton and Glastonbury. We were doing great for time until we got somewhere near Bristol when things took a turn for the worse. Traffic had come to a complete standstill and at one point we didn’t budge an inch for two whole hours!
Now our fellow coach passengers were a lovely bunch. No really they were. However, when you’ve been stuck on a coach with some people for over eight hours and they’re getting more and more drunk, some of them can get really quite loud and very annoying. I mean we all knew how long we had been travelling for. And how far away we were. We did not need reminding about it every five minutes!

I’m afraid cabin fever had started to set in so it was a massive relief when we finally pulled into the festival at 8.52pm – exactly twelve whole hours after we left Liverpool!
It didn’t matter now though, we were here and we were ready to get going.
Here’s a handy hint for you – don’t fill a holdall on wheels full of cans of lager and cider because the mud of Glastonbury will render it almost impossible to pull something so heavy across the site. We had to set up camp on the second field we came to – Pylon Ground – solely for the fact that we couldn’t carry our ale any further. We found a spot next to Eddie from Camden, an Arsenal and Celtic fan who turned out to be sound as a pound. So after all the stress of the journey down there we got the tent set up in no time at all and had cracked open our first can by 9.30pm. Not bad at all….

Thankfully the rain had stayed off whilst we were at work and it was only just getting dark so we decided to head into the main site to try and get our bearings for the week ahead. Unfortunately I think the days travelling had taken its toll on the both of us as we were only out for an hour or two before we agreed to head back to our tent and have a couple of drinks there instead. The days of us staying up for three days straight at Creamfields are long gone so it was a blessing we camped where we did as Pylon Ground is one of the more chilled sites there is, as opposed to the likes of Pennard Hill which is renowned for being an all night party. Nah, I enjoy a bit of shut-eye these days thank you very much, so we crashed about 3am and looked forward to meeting up with the rest of our gang when they arrived the next day.

Day Two – Thursday 23rd June 2016

The second day could not have got off to a worse start as what can only be described as a freak accident occurred on Thursday morning. As I was crouched in our tent I leaned across to to grab my sunglasses out of my bag when my right knee gave way underneath me. I felt a crunch and lay on my back in agony. I tried to stretch my leg, I couldn’t. I tried to bend it, I couldn’t. It had totally locked on me and the pain was excruciating. As I tried to stand on my right leg the pain was so bad it made me feel sick and I honestly thought my Glastonbury was over before it had even began. I decided to take two Ibuprofen and sit it out for an hour before making a move. A couple of ciders later and the pain had subsided enough for me to walk on it, albeit slowly, although this also meant I was now limping for the duration of the festival. It was sore and it was swollen but it was bearable. Thank God.
All this meant it took us the best part of an hour to walk from our site to the top of the hill where the famous Glastonbury sign is. Tradition states that you can’t turn around until you reach the very top and that’s exactly what we done. The view from up there is breathtaking and it makes you appreciate just how vast the site is as all there is are rows of tents for as far as the eye can see.
We stayed up there for an hour or so and there was a nice moment when a gang from Wales got everyone up there to sing “Happy Birthday” to a girl that was dressed as a mermaid. We also got to meet Daft Punk up there. Or at least two fellas dressed as them. Possibly. Who knows? What I do know is that I was beginning to feel right at home there.

We had organised to meet the rest of our gang at the Stone Bridge Bar at the bottom of the hill at around 5pm as snooker legend-turned Techno DJ Steve Davis was making his Glastonbury debut in there. As we got down there the queues were already forming outside and there were even a couple of people dressed in full snooker player attire, waving their cues in the air as Steve made his way onstage. The crowd to get inside there was ridiculous so we decided to head over to Silver Hayes and meet everyone outside The Beat Hotel instead. Unfortunately this also meant we didn’t get a chance to have a singalong to the Brit Pop DJ’s Baggy Mondays who were on after Steve Davis. I was a bit gutted about this but there’s always next year I suppose!
There was a nice party atmosphere outside Beat Hotel and it was there that we met up with the rest of our friends and family. At last we were all there together and it felt like Glastonbury had finally started for us.

Now I know for a fact we didn’t stay there all night. I know we went to another pub called Hop & Liquor but after that? Nope sorry. It all goes a bit blurry here but what I do know is that four of us ended the night somewhere up by the Stone Circle and then had a dance to some DJ in the Glade. The long walk back to our camp was comical though….

Day Three – Friday 24th June 2016

I’d been told before we came that you could go to Glastonbury, not see one band during the whole of your time there and still have the best weekend of your life. I couldn’t agree more as when we woke up on Friday morning we were both sort of thinking, “Oh yeah the main stages open today don’t they. Suppose we’ll have to watch a band or two!” Honestly we were having so much of a laugh the main stages are a bit of a distraction to the rest of your time there. In my opinion anyway.
The big news that morning though was the Referendum Result and whether or not we were still in the E.U. My fears were confirmed when I overheard two lads talking about it as I went to fill our water bottles up. It was with a heavy heart that I headed back to our tent to tell Emma the news and I have to say I was gutted. There seemed to be an air of melancholy across the whole site as it dawned on people what had actually happened whilst we were having so much fun.

And so to the first proper band of our trip – one of my favourite bands, James, were opening the Pyramid Stage at 11.00am but first we had to get some brekky down us. Now I’d heard all about how good the food is down at Glastonbury and there was one bit of scoff in particular that I was dying to get my hands on – a “Famous Welsh Oggy”, which is basically a massive Cornish Pasty filled with either lamb or beef with veg. I had my heart set on one of them for brekky so we made our way through the mud (it was getting pretty bad) all the way around to the Oggy stall before trudging our way around to the Pyramid Stage to catch the start of James.
When we got there I surprised to see some Syrian orchestra doing their thing and Damon Alburn at the side of the stage watching them. I just assumed they were running a bit late and James would be on shortly until Emma overheard someone say, “Shall we go and watch James on the Other Stage?”
Yep that’s right we were at the wrong stage. This didn’t go down too well with the wife let me tell you! And I couldn’t help but burst out laughing as we finally got to the Other Stage which just so happens to be right next to the Oggy stall. Yeah I was in the bad books for a bit over that. Luckily for me though James had to delay their start whilst some woodchips were scattered over the mud in front of the stage so we did in fact catch the whole of their set. All’s well that ends well. Oh and by the way that Oggy is one of the nicest thing I’ve ever tasted in my life….

Now the plan that day was to watch James, then go on another little pub crawl before heading to the Pyramid Stage to catch a bit of ZZ Top then heading over to the Hell Stage to see Craig Charles spin some Funk and Soul for a couple of hours. Come 4:00pm we went back to our tent to grab some more ale when the heavens opened and it lashed down for the best part of three hours. The plus side to this was by the time the rain went off the four of us had been drinking in our tent for the best part of three hours! As you can imagine, ZZ Top and Craig Charles got well and truly swerved and we went straight up to Arcadia as dance legends Shades of Rhythm took us back to the Old Skool with some club classics. The rain had passed and there we all were, dancing in front of a giant mechanical spider in the glorious sunshine. What a way to spend a Friday evening watching the sun go down. This gave me the perfect opportunity to finally give Emma the wedding proposal she always moans about not getting. On one knee and everything. Ok so we’ve been married for nearly three years, and yes the ring was a Haribo jelly but it’s the thought that counts isn’t it? And she said “Yes!”.

The main event that evening was in all honesty the one thing I had been waiting for ever since the lineup was announced. Muse were headlining the Pyramid, Disclosure were on the Other Stage, but for me there was only one place I was headed and that was the West Holts stage to witness an act I had been waiting a full twenty years to see with my own eyes – the one and only Underworld.
This is a band I have loved since I first started clubbing at the tender age of 16 and whose album “Everything Everything” is my favourite Live album of all time. For one reason or another I’ve never been able to catch them whenever they had played Creamfields in the past, but that wasn’t happening tonight. This was it, it was finally here. And as they reeled off one dance anthem after another – “Cowgirl”, “Push Upstairs”, “Two Months Off” to name but a few – there was only one song that everyone was waiting for. One song that brings back a million and one ecstatic memories, and here we were, waiting for them to perform it at Glastonbury. And then it started. And then it built up. And then. And then. It dropped. “Born Slippy” has become a bit of cliché down the years, a parody of itself even, but I tell you what, I was wiping tears from my eyes at what I was witnessing. What a time to be alive. Everything I had hoped for and more. Glasto had peaked and it was only Friday night. Job done. We can all go home now. You’re not topping that.

After picking my head up off the floor we headed back up to Arcadia to catch a bit of Carl Cox – or “Tech-Tits” as our Chris called him – but after walking what seemed like forever we decided the night was drawing to a close so we made our way back to the tent for a couple of drinks before bed.

Day Four – Saturday June 25th 2016

We began our morning around the corner from our campsite at The Blues stage which is reminiscent of a Trenchtown Dub Reggae Party and it certainly shook off the cobwebs from the previous evening. The sun was shining and it was the perfect start to our Saturday. From there we headed around the corner to the Pyramid Stage to catch a bit of Squeeze. I don’t mind them but it was only really “Up The Junction” that we wanted to see so when they done that three songs in we decided to go for a little wander to see where we ended up and maybe even “get lost”.

We walked, we walked, and then we walked some more before finally ending up in The Healing Fields. On the way we passed over Bella’s Bridge and there was a marching band handing out kazoos to everyone. Emma grabbed one and promptly joined them in a performance of “Love Is In the Air”. We also bumped into a gang of trolls that were handing out free hugs. Not something you see every day is it? Oh and we posted a Glastonbury postcard to our kids back home.
The Healing Fields was full of all yoga-loving, meditating types so basically Emma’s idea of paradise and we spent about an hour there just popping in and out of all the various tents and stalls. There were all kinds of little workshops like stone carving and jewellery making but by this time the mud up there was really bad, despite it being dead sunny, and it was difficult to walk around in parts.

Being a fan of The Clash, one area of Glastonbury I was desperate to visit was Strummerville, a small area of Glastonbury reserved as a tribute to the sadly missed Joe Strummer who was a regular visitor there and was always seen sitting around a campfire. After walking for hours we finally found it at the highest point of the whole site, hidden away in the far corner above the Stone Circle. As we made our way through we found Joe’s Bonfire which is kept burning twenty fours hours a day for the duration of the festival by the people sitting around it on old battered couches. Sadly all of the seats were taken so we didn’t stay too long but it was nice just to give it a little nod in Joe’s honour.

From there our path took us back onto the hill next to where the Glastonbury sign is so we headed back down into The Park area where we grabbed a bit of dinner. We decided to hit a Caribbean food stall and had a go at curried goat with plantain, rice and peas. One word – amazing. I didn’t think I’d like it but it was so nice. The plantain especially so. If you haven’t tried it then get on it!
From there we popped in to the Stone Bridge Bar, which was empty at the time so it enabled is to get a nice spec by the bar. It was here that I seen a familiar face walking in and right past us. It was none other than the Weed In Tweed himself, Mr. Jarvis Cocker! One of life’s good guys is Jarvis isn’t he. After a quick exchange of pleasantries he soon appeared onstage as he was DJing in there. I say DJing but he began by getting us all to have a game of musical statues. Yep that’s right up there as one of the most bizarre moments of my entire life!
Jarvis done an hour or so before another one of my heroes, this time Super Hans from Peep Show, made an appearance. I’m not messing when I say his set was one of the most enjoyable I’ve ever heard. If you’ve ever been to see 2ManyDJ’s and enjoy the show they put on then you’ll get an idea of the type of stuff he was playing. Anything and everything from Blur to Bowie but undoubtedly the highlight for me was just as the sun was setting when he played The Beatles “Here Comes The Sun” before fading straight into “On/Off” by Cirez D. You had to hear it to believe just how good it was. The whole tent erupted and not for the first time that weekend, my head fell off.

After Hans had blew the roof off Stone Bridge we decided to stick around to see what the Hip-Hop Karaoke was all about. The two hours that followed were up there with the most enjoyable of the festival for us. I’m not the biggest Hip-Hop fan but even I could appreciate just how good some of the people were that got up. What made it though were the hosts. Funny, funny fellas who took the piss at every opportunity. It was hilarious at times and definitely another highlight of the weekend.

From there it was straight over to the Other Stage to catch Saturday nights headliners and yet another one of my favourite bands, New Order. Adele was headlining the Pyramid Stage and by all accounts done an amazing job, but I’m afraid I could think of nothing worse than listening to her at a festival and as New Order’s Barney Sumner said to us that very evening, “She’s a great girl with a crackin’ voice but my God what did her boyfriend do to her?”
I’ve got New Order’s latest album and if you’ve not heard it then I highly recommend it as I reckon it’s their best release for a good few years. I was really looking forward to how some of it sounded live but when it comes to these lads(and girl!) it’s really only a handful of songs that you’re desperate to see them play live. They didn’t disappoint as “True Faith”, “Blue Monday”, “Temptation” and my favourite, “Bizarre Love Triangle” had people in the crowd reaching for their pyro. Although I was a bit gutted we didn’t get to hear “Ceremony” or “Your Silent Face”, I suppose when you’ve only got an hour you have to do what you can.
There had been rumours floating around earlier that day that John Barnes would be joining them onstage for an encore of World In Motion – I actually seen Keith Allen perform it with them at Old Trafford once so it wasn’t as far fetched as it sounded – so when they reappeared we were all waiting for Digger to rock up and grab the mic. Sadly it wasn’t to be but what did happen was an absolutely blinding version of “Love Will Tear Us Apart” and when images of the late Ian Curtis flashed up on the screens that was the cue for more pyro in the crowd. Set to a backdrop which simply read “FOREVER JOY DIVISION” the band from Manchester soaked up the applause as another nights main stage performance came to a close.
Keeping with the Manchester theme we decided to end the night down at Bez’s Flying Bus which was situated at The Unfairground in the South East Corner of the site or “The Naughty Corner” as it’s sometimes called.
After walking for about half an hour we finally reached our destination and on the decks was Haçienda legend Mike Pickering playing some classic Acid House, “Voodoo Ray” and “Reach” especially went down well with us. There was a nice mix of people there of all different ages and it was filling up nicely whilst still having enough room to shake a shoulder! Up on stage Bez was doing what Bez does bouncing round in a cowboy hat high-fiving anyone and everyone, creating a bit of a party atmosphere.
Pickering ended his set with a lovely little version of “Pennies From Heaven” which had everyone smiling and that was our cue to go for a little wander around to Shangri-La to see what all the fuss was about.
I’d been told this part of Glastonbury was right up our street and whether it be Shangri-Heaven or Shangri-Hell we would find something there of interest. Sadly for us, the mud in that area in particular was as bad as anything I’ve ever seen at a festival. As I only had walking boots on the mud was swallowing up my feet whenever I attempted to walk in it and I was scared I was gonna lose my boots in the process. So no Shangri-La for us this time but there’s always next year….
We decided to head along the top road and go back to our campsite to end the night there. It was nice to walk on terra firma for a change and meant we cut out walking through the rest of the site. Another 4am finish on what was probably the most enjoyable day of the whole festival.

Day Five – Sunday 26th June 2016

The last day of our first ever Glastonbury and it had come around so quickly. We had heard Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn was giving a talk over in the Leftfield Tent at 1:00pm so with nothing else on our agenda we headed straight over there only to hear Billy Bragg explain to us that, what with everything that had happened over the last few days, Jezza understandably was unable to make it. Shame really as I reckon it would’ve been a bit of a moment to remember. Ah well.
We had nothing else planned for the day until 4:00pm when E.L.O were doing the now legendary Sunday afternoon slot at the Pyramid Stage, a slot which had seen the likes of Dolly Parton and Lionel Ritchie perform in previous years.
This meant we had time to go for another little wander around the site to see what we could stumble across and when we seen a small crowd gathered at the Spike Bar we decided to investigate further. It was another great little find as we ended up watching the lunatic that is Mik Artistik and his band entertain us for a couple of, shall we say, interesting songs. The man is a lyrical genius and if you don’t believe me then just go on YouTube and search for his song “Plastic Fox”, which is all about a garden ornament that his son bought him. Just trust me on this one OK?
The path we followed took us back into our favourite area of the site – The Park and it was here that we ventured into another little pub called “The Bimble Inn” to find a Vicar by the name of Reverend Ike playing some Soul and Disco at his “Sunday Service”. I managed to grab one of their famous frozen cocktails whilst in here and I dunno what was in it but it was mango-flavoured and it gave me a much needed kick up the arse!
We decided to head across The Park to our favourite bar in Glastonbury – Stone Bridge – to see who was on in there and we seen that Madness front man Suggs was about to start Djing so we stuck around to see how it went. There was a bit of a crowd starting to build by the end and he was playing a decent little selection. Ian Dury’s “Sex And Drugs And Rock And Roll” went down well and he played a blinder at the end of his set by finishing with Crosby Stills & Nash’s “Our House” then going straight into the Madness song of the same name. Well played Suggs. Well played.
By this time we had a decision to make – do we stick around for another session of Hip-Hop Karaoke or do we head down to the Pyramid Stage for E.L.O? We decided to let the weather settle it for us as I wasn’t really in the mood to hear “Mr. Blue Sky” unless the sun was shining. Almost on cue the heavens opened and it started lashing down, much to Emma’s delight. I honestly believe if Coldplay and Hip-Hop Karaoke had clashed she would not have been able to make up her mind where to go!
From there we had to head over to the Acoustic Stage for a Sunday singalong with The Bootleg Beatles. Now whatever was in those frozen cocktails must have been good gear cos we seemed to get lost after every turn looking for the Acoustic Stage. We managed to get there with half an hour to spare only to find some band called Fisherman’s Friend singing a load of sea shantys that were depressing the life out of me. So much so I left Emma to it for a bit whilst I went the bar.
Anyway, The Bootlegs came on and we couldn’t believe how many people had crammed into the tent to see them. The atmosphere in there was bouncing and it didn’t let up from the moment “Paul” gave the count-in to “I Saw Her Standing There” right up until the hands-in-the-air finale of “Hey Jude”.
Now I love the Bootlegs. Love them. But if there’s one tiny problem I have with them it’s they way they try to mimic the speaking voices and actions of each original Beatle. A bit unnecessary when the songs they’re performing are close to being note-perfect, with one personal highlight for me being the outstanding “While My Guitar Gently Weeps”. Just let the music do the talking lads.
As Sunday evening was drawing in it was time to head over to the Pyramid as we had to meet up with the rest of our gang before Coldplay. We headed up to where a few of them were sat in a great vantage point overlooking the majority of the crowd below. A brilliant spec and one I’ll certainly bare in mind for future reference.

I managed to catch a bit of Beck’s set, I seem to remember he done a decent little tribute to Bowie in amongst it all (or did I dream it?) before I said farewell to the rest of the gang and left them to enjoy Coldplay. I’m not their biggest fan if I’m honest and besides, there was just one more person I needed to tick off my list before Glastonbury was over.
So walking in the opposite direction to what felt like every other person in the festival I headed up to Arcadia, alone, to catch New York House ICON Mr. Todd Terry do his thing at the spider.
Now he was only doing an hour so my plan was to get involved at Arcadia before making my way past the Other Stage to catch a bit of LCD Soundsystem, finally ending back up with the gang for Coldplay’s encore. I had organised with Emma to meet her somewhere afterwards but neither of us had a phone charged and I knew for a fact we were both in for a long night if we couldn’t find each other.
As I was making the long walk up to Arcadia I was starting have second thoughts on whether or not I had done the right thing heading up there on my own. Within five minutes of arriving though I knew I had made the right decision when I was greeted by the site of around 200 revellers welcoming all comers to their very own party. It was just getting dark and the rain had created a rolling mist across that part of the site making it look like some kind of post-Apocolyptic, War of the World’s kind of setting. Yet instead of Jeff Wayne’s Orchestra and Richard Burton narrating the soundtrack, we had Todd Terry playing some of the finest House Music ever made.

By 10:30pm I bid farewell to Arcadia and my fellow ravers and set upon heading back to the rest of the gang at Coldplay. I managed to catch about ten minutes of LCD Soundsystem at the Other Stage as I had to walk straight past it to get to the Pyramid. I would’ve liked to have seen a bit more of them but was scared I’d get there too late and have to go on the lookout for the wife!
Luckily enough I couldn’t have timed it better as I made it back to everyone just in time to see Chris Martin introduce Barry Gibb onstage and got to see them play “Stayin Alive” together before the main man himself Michael Eavis officially closed the festival with an emotional rendition of “My Way”.

We said our goodbyes to everyone and headed back towards our campsite, stopping over at The Blues stage for an hour or so before finally ending our first Glastonbury they way we started it – sharing a beer and some stories with our neighbour and new best mate, Eddie from Camden. A top lad if ever there was one. At 4am our Glastonbury debut had reached it’s finale as we climbed into our tent for one last time.
A six-hour coach journey the following day (in glorious sunshine by the way!) and we were back home in Liverpool for 9pm. Completely wrote-off and with a dodgy knee but with more memories to last a lifetime. Roll on next year….